Satire: Follow these New Year’s Resolutions to succeed in 2020

Greta Cifarelli

After counting down to the new year, reality hits hard that your life is far from perfect. Ditch the bad habits and revamp your overall image by crafting a New Years’ resolution. Not willing to put in any actual effort after the ball drops at midnight? Luckily, it’s impressive to merely brag about making a resolution, following through is unnecessary. Making one should be easy. Think about all the flaws in your life. Your math teacher won’t round your grade from 53 percent to an A. Your 2018 Audi Q5 doesn’t cut it anymore. Your parents pay more attention to your dog than to you. If you put in the effort to resolve the issues your life presents, you can make your “New Year, new me” Instagram caption a reality. 

  1. Exercise. Join a gym. Train for a marathon. Park in sophomore row. All of these activities are sure-fire ways to get you in tip-top shape in time for Valentine’s Day.
  2. Get a significant other. Here’s a three-step process guaranteed to work: Download Tinder. Swipe right on every candidate (even your creepy neighbor). Send out a DM to each match explaining your need for a partner. After all, prom is just around the corner.
  3. Study more. Staying up until midnight is no longer going to cut it. You can do better. All-night study sessions are where it’s at.
  4. Save Money. Of course, you’ll only be able to begin this resolution after buying Coachella outfits for both weekends, VIP Bottlerock tickets, AirPod Pros, a Gucci tracksuit, a fake ID, a Louis Vuitton wallet and Post Malone crocs.
  5. See the Warriors in the NBA Finals. First, you’ll have to figure out how to time travel back to last year. Or maybe you can just catch the Lakers game?
  6. Go on a juice cleanse. Okay, you can do this one. You’ve got Urban Remedy, Pressed Juicery, Jamba Juice, Juice Alley, Juice WRLD…oh wait, check that. $75 per day is a small price to pay for instant fatigue, chills and maybe some weight loss. It’s cheaper than your mom’s organic Whole Foods’ salads. Worst case scenario, you can put a Double-Double burger in a blender, right?
  7. Sleep more. A teenager is recommended to get eight to 10 hours of sleep each night to function well. To achieve REM, sleep through your morning classes to be energized for lunch. The Wellness Center has a pretty comfortable sofa to catch some more Zs during fifth, sixth and seventh (if you’re unlucky enough to have a seventh period).
  8. Quit vaping. WebMD explains that vaping can lead to a serious lung condition known as popcorn lung. Other side effects include a dry cough that won’t go away, shortness of breath, wheezing, headaches, fevers, aches and other health problems. Also, in January of 2018, the state of California legalized weed. Maybe try some of that!
  9. Vote. Warren, Sanders, Biden, Buttigieg, Harry Styles, any Jonas Brother except Kevin, yourself, A$AP Rocky, Meghan Markle, the Instagram world record egg. Basically anyone not colluding with Vladimir Putin.
  10. Become a TikTok star. Take the box step you learned in PE and turn it into a career. I promise you that Charli D’Amelio is not wasting her time reading a satire right now. Create an account (or be honest and admit you already have one) and start learning some moves. According to Influencer Marketing Hub, these are peak engagement hours!
  11. Spice up your social media presence. I recommend Marin Headlands for a truly unique Insta worthy shot. Make sure you use Facetune for an additional 50 likes.
  12. Give up on 2020. It’s already mid-January. If you haven’t gotten your act together by now, you might as well save your efforts for 2021. Good luck!