The notorious battle of which sibling has it the hardest: the overburdened oldest, easy-to-blame middle, or forgotten youngest? This subject has been debated since the mid-1800s, when English polymath Sir Francis Galton suggested that male scientists are more likely to be firstborn sons than later-born in their family, therefore making them better. Later on in the 20th century, the work of Alfred Adler proposed the birth order theory, which states that the order in which a child is born determines personality traits due to their unique experiences and challenges as children. Nowadays, more large-scale research concludes that Adler’s theory is not entirely accurate. Instead, researchers support that birth order is not the largest factor that shapes childhood experiences and therefore can not be credited for long-term personality development. Regardless, the debate of who has it the hardest still simmers, ignited every time someone wants to stir up controversy during a family dinner.

Oldest child

Something about being the first of three to pop out of the womb automatically induces you to be a Type-A person, one driven by competitiveness, urgency, hard work and organization. Let me explain. As a newborn, you experience a short-lived paradise: endless brand-new baby clothes, constant attention and the serenity of being the only crying orphan. With the exception of a backwards diaper or two, the first few years of life seem to be blissful.

That’s until your mom has another child, and then another one. Now life seems less heavenly and more like a circus. Attention is diverted from the whiny toddler to the precious babies. Your parents are now consumed with more crying infants than one-on-one trips to the park or shopping for cute infant clothes.

You are no longer the center of attention like you once were. So inevitably, you make yourself the center of attention. It starts by being the perfect child and role model: you finish all your meals, help with diaper changes, play with your siblings and avoid tantrums that will send your parents into a spiral.

As you age, it becomes being the best athlete, having straight A’s and always making your bed. From then on, there is a personal obligation to strive for excellence. I mean, how else do you get your parents to take their attention off of the high-maintenance middle child or the charming new baby?

This pressure can lead to what is known as the “oldest child syndrome,” which is a phenomenon where being the firstborn shapes their experiences and personality. Licensed professional clinical counselor and therapist Nicholette Leanza states in a Very Well Mind Article, “I would define ‘oldest child syndrome’ as the pressure the oldest sibling feels to meet the high expectations placed on them as well as the stress to feel like they must be the perfect role model for the rest of their siblings.”

Being the firstborn doesn’t just mean having a load of responsibilities; it also means being the family guinea pig. You are the test run for parenting, schooling, and social life. Younger siblings benefit from older siblings’ mistakes and advice, while you are left to navigate this firsthand.

Want to plan out the perfect text message for someone you like? A younger sibling could knock on their older sibling’s door, receiving advice from someone who has navigated similar situations. Older siblings are stuck experimenting, hoping their generationally challenged parents will muster up some useful guidance.

This factor only exacerbates an older sibling’s desire to meet perfectionism. In life, no one wants to make mistakes, yet it is a lot easier to do so when you don’t have a role model to take advice from. Instead, you, as the oldest sibling, must generate excellence independently, fostering this Type-A mindset.

At the end of the day, being the oldest comes with a mix of chaos and obligations. You are forced to be the family guinea pig, testing boundaries, learning the hard way, and unintentionally subscribing to a lifetime of perfectionism, self-criticism, and desire for control. So next time you see that Type-A friend of yours helping with dishes, overstudying for a final or cleaning their room excessively, remember: they are probably still carrying the burdens that come with being the oldest child.

Middle child

Being the middle child is living in permanent invisibility. You’re not the proud first experiment that parents carefully documented, and you’re not the adorable last-chance baby who gets away with everything. You’re the kid in the middle — the one who shows up in family photos only if someone accidentally pans the camera too far left. Parents take thousands of pictures of the firstborn, find a spark again for the lastborn, and then skip right over the middle child.

This invisibility bleeds into every part of the child’s life. Growing up hearing “you’re fine” before you even say what’s wrong. Meanwhile, the oldest gets full concern and a follow-up phone call and the youngest gets comfort and a shiny new bag. Middle children get handed an ice pack and get told to “walk it off.”

Then comes the “hand-me-downs” lifestyle. Clothes, school supplies, hobbies, expectations — all recycled from the oldest sibling like some family heirloom no one actually wanted. If your older sibling joined a sport, you’re expected to “give it a try.” If your younger sibling quits that same sport, you’re supposed to stick with it to maintain “stability.”

Being stuck between two extremes causes middle children to live in a chronic identity crisis. The oldest is the leader; the youngest is the lovable wildcard. The middle is “whatever”. You work twice as hard to stand out, do whatever to get someone to finally notice you.

Making matters worse, the middle child becomes the family lab rat. Parents are strict with the firstborn and relaxed with the youngest. Somewhere in the middle, they decide to be “experimental” and try new things like curfew and chores.You say it’s not fair, but all that happens is the “We’re trying something new this time.”

And of course, the middle child gets blamed for everything. If the oldest messes up, they “They didn’t know any better.” If the youngest messes up, “they’re just a baby.” The middle child is in the convenient sweet spot of being old enough to be held responsible but not young enough to be dismissed. If something breaks, you did it. If someone cries, you caused it. You could be miles away when the entire situation unfolds and still hear your name called from the other room. The middle child becomes the household scapegoat, not because they deserve it, but because everyone else is exempt.

Being in the middle pushes you into a world of constant responsibility. When the oldest is busy, you fill those shoes around the house. If the youngest is upset, the middle child should “be the bigger person”. You are needed at every moment. “Can you help your brother with homework?” “Can you watch your sister while we’re gone?” There’s always some sort of activity that has your name on it.

In the end, the middle child is stuck doing the most with the least: least attention, least credit, least freedom and least say. You get the hand-me-downs, the blame, the emotional labor and none of the spotlight. While the oldest gets authority and the youngest gets sympathy, the middle child gets lost in between.

Youngest child

Imagine competing in a race. All the participants are running at the same pace, with the same coaches, but the other runners get a four-minute head start. The race has no finish line, just running endlessly around a track, and quitting is not an option. The other runners are always ahead, you are always behind, and no matter how hard you try, you will never catch up. This scenario perfectly embodies the experience of the youngest child.

An inevitable experience for younger siblings: realizing your older sibling has grown up. Whether this realization comes when they enter high school or college, get their first real job or if you are simply looking at them and realize their youthfulness is slowly fading away, it will hit you like a truck. All of a sudden, the dramatically sad thoughts of your sibling leaving you that used to make you cry under the covers late at night are not just nightmares; they are your reality. The saddest thing about this? There is nothing you can do about it because everything in life is finite.

After weeks, months or years of mentally preparing for the day an older sibling leaves, the youngest sibling is tasked with navigating their way through the rest of their childhood alone, with no older sibling in the room across from theirs to guide them. While all age gaps result in this sickening circumstance, the worst of all is a four-year difference. As the older sibling packs their bags to attend college across the country, the younger sibling picks out their outfit for the first day of high school. The anticipation of entering high school only masks the overwhelming feeling of loneliness until you realize you will have to endure the four hardest years of childhood all alone.

A disadvantage that naturally comes with being the youngest sibling is that, whatever amazing and exciting accomplishment or horrible and problematic issue happens in your life, whether that is a first heartbreak, a college acceptance or getting an amazing job, no one really cares. After questioning “why doesn’t anyone care?” for so long, the youngest child will become aware of the unfortunate truth. No one cares because their siblings already did it, years and years ago. While the youngest child silently celebrates that they got straight A’s all of their junior year of high school, the rest of the family celebrates that the older child was offered a great job straight out of college. And, as the youngest has just experienced their first high school heartbreak, the response of the family is “it’s just high school, it doesn’t really matter”. These responses are specifically frustrating considering that, a few years prior, the same situation would have been breaking news to the family. Nothing that happens to the youngest will ever compare to the others because, no matter how significant it may be, it’s impossible to catch up.

“Aw, you’re the baby of the family!” A statement that any youngest sibling can relate to hearing and hating. The perks of being “the baby,” like having less strict rules than the older children, are nice, but the downsides, like never being taken seriously, never being treated as an adult and never being included, easily outweigh them. Every situation has two points of view. The oldest may view this situation as their parents being much more lenient and laid back, but the youngest sibling views this as a lack of care. It is not a coincidence that parents suddenly become much busier with work and their personal lives when they only have one child left at home.

In one of Adler’s 1927 studies specifically focusing on the youngest child, he wrote, “No child likes to be the smallest, the least capable, all the time. Such a position stimulates children to prove that they can do everything. Their striving for power becomes markedly accentuated, so the youngest often grows up into a person desperate to excel.”A similar theory, the Older sibling theory, is a social learning theory that explains that younger siblings seek approval from older siblings because the natural traits, like confidence, social skills and independence, subconsciously remind them of a leader, therefore causing them to want to impress and be approved of. Unfortunately, older siblings are impossible to impress; the natural yearning for their approval will never be fulfilled, leading to a permanent and inevitable dissatisfaction within the relationship.

So, what is the worst part of being the youngest child? The worst part is that the youngest sibling would run this endless race that leads to inevitable failure a million times again because, at the end of the day, they get to run it with the people they love the most.