Satire: original costume ideas to (pumpkin) spice up your Halloween style

Olivia Kharrazi

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As the days grow shorter, the leaves change color and a thick blanket of fog engulfs Marin County, a pressing question perpetually resides in the forefront of students’ minds: What life-altering costume will I wear for Halloween this year? Reminded constantly by the influx of Instagram posts from pumpkin patches, wheelbarrows and corn mazes, students have no choice other than to prepare themselves for the upcoming holiday craze. Whether it’s rummaging through their closets for a pair of Minnie Mouse ears, purchasing metallic Spandex in bulk or scrambling to place a Same Day Delivery order from Amazon the night before Halloween, the elaborate process of costume assembly is courageously undertaken by students (or rather, their stay-at-home-moms).

Each year, the stakes for the best costume increase as much as the Starbucks pumpkin spice latte sales. However, the following creative costume ideas are sure to shock the whole school due to their imaginative novelty.

 

Cat: a CAT-astrophe avoided

Illustration by Olivia Kharrazi

Want to do a costume with a group of friends but don’t have any? Being a cat ensures that at least half of the school will be twinning with you. Just purr-tend that you did it on purpose. With a pair of ears, black Spandex, a safety-pinned tail and goosebumps to cover your legs in the pleasant 40-degree weather, you’ll instantly fit the mold no matter what the rest of your outfit looks like.

Athlete: a HOME RUN of a costume

Do you share the desire to be a professional athlete along with the rest of today’s teens but just aren’t athletic enough? Throw on a jersey and some shorts, and no one will be able to tell that the only sport you play is Game Pigeon. To truly foster the unique aspect of this costume, consider the jerseys of local teams (the Golden State Warriors, the Giants or the 49ers). Don’t have a jersey? No worries. Just wear your middle school P.E. uniform. The amount of capture-the-flag you played in it really shaped you into the athlete you are today.

Onesie: the best ONE yet

Forgot about Halloween? This costume can be found at the back of any girls’ closet. Wear it the night before and all you have to do is roll out of bed the next morning, ready to go. Just don’t wear this costume with a full bladder; the ease of a pre-assembled outfit in the morning will be outweighed by the difficulty of this costume’s bathroom situation.

Superhero: Halloween to the rescue 

Don’t have a superhero shirt in your closet? Just borrow the one your baby cousin wore last Halloween and pass it for a crop top. Maybe this way you can finally have a chance at winning over Tom Holland.

Illustration by Olivia Kharrazi

After all, it was recently homecoming.

Tourist: keeping it PLANE and simple

Because Redwood students seem to spend every vacation in the lavish resorts of exotic foreign countries while swimming alongside dolphins in turquoise waters, riding elephants through rainforests or trekking with camels across deserts, this costume is already second nature for many. Complete this outfit with a Hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts, Birkenstocks and binoculars to spot those four dedicated kids who actually put effort into a homemade costume. 

Emergency Personnel: set FIRE to any costume contest

It is always a joy to mature your childhood dream jobs to fit your most recent phase. From a fireman, to a policeman, to an FBI agent, to a nurse, these costumes are sure to bring back memories of first-grade, store-bought costumes that exude a wistful nostalgia of what once was. Wear these costumes out and about all night, but don’t expect to save many lives; with these costumes, the only life you’ll be saving is the life of the party.