Satire: How to choose the college of your dreams

Anna Royal

Congratulations, Class of 2023! It is finally that time of year when colleges make or break lives by releasing their lottery-like decisions. You may be wondering which factors to consider when deciding from the colleges that have accepted you. Rather than focusing on the boring aspects about college that everyone else focuses on — tuition, majors and programs — think about the widely overlooked factors in a school that will lead you to true happiness in college. 


       1. Location, location, location

Nestled in a bed of emerald green grass, a famous Rodin statue adorns the campus of Columbia, an important feature any college you choose should have!

You may have heard your local real estate agent praise this phrase, and for good reason. When considering your college, it is important to consider your hobbies and preferred climate. Having acclimated to Marin weather and habits for the past couple years, strike off any colleges that do not offer beach access or a nearby ski resort, yacht club or country club (bonus for a golf course!). Anywhere with an average temperature below 70 degrees may lead to seasonal depression, so it’s best to stick to colleges in the warmer parts of the country — pretty much California or Florida. 


       2. Greek life

Remember, Greek life is the key to your social life! A school with weak Greek life is never the right choice. Choose colleges at the top of the best Greek life rankings such as Florida State University, University of Alabama, University of Georgia or really anywhere in the South. You spend 75 percent of your time at college outside of the classroom; make sure you can spend that time wisely at a good fraternity or sorority at whichever school you choose.


       3. Food

Coming from the Bay Area, food should be a high priority on your list when considering a college. Continuing Marin’s organic, non-GMO diet is essential for good health while away at college. Ensure the dining hall food is edible and held to a high standard before saying yes to the college. More importantly, consider the restaurants and cafés on campus; colleges without Chick-fil-A or Starbucks should be low on your list.

       4. Campus aesthetic

What do the dorms, buildings and bathrooms look like? You’ll want to make sure your home for the next four years is luxurious and pristine. Marble bathrooms, dorms with hardwood flooring and buildings out of a 16th century European city are typically a good standard to look for. A good question to ask is, “Would I post a picture of myself here on Instagram?” If not, the campus may be too ugly and will not be a sustainable living option. Also, nice amenities such as newly updated saunas, gyms, pools and study areas are some of the most important factors in picking a college. As a Marinite, these everyday activities are essentials one simply cannot live without!


       5. Sports

If it’s not DI, it’s not the one for you. Excellent sports teams are the only way a school can have good spirit. Football and basketball games are prime parts of the college experience; without these sports you’ll have a depressing, miserable four years. Consider the mascot — is it intimidating enough, or is it an embarrassing rodent? Sorry, but schools with an orange, slug, tree, bee, anteater, a big red blob (sorry Western Kentucky University) or any type of vegetable (looking at you, Delta State) as their mascot simply won’t cut it. Additionally, consider the school colors you’ll be decked out in for four years. Do you look good in blue or red? Perhaps, purple or orange? Remember, if the school colors wash you out or clash with your skin or eye coloring, do not attend! 


Standing stately, the University of Pennsylvania’s Tudor-style dorms lend to the air of luxury one should strive for in whichever college they decide on.

       6. Status Symbol

Is your school wealthy and glamorous enough to be considered a status symbol? This is an important question to ask yourself, especially after living in Marin. A fantastic example of this is the University of Southern California (USC). Complete with an on-campus Lululemon pop-up, juice bar, yoga studio and designer products for sale at their bookstore, USC is the Monte Carlo of universities, a reputation your future college should share. It’ll be like you never left Marin, because why would you ever want to leave? The student body at USC is also a notable feature that one should strive for in whichever college they choose. Inspirational athletes such as the influential Olivia Jade are the wonderful, honest types of students you will discover at these high-status symbol schools. The connections you will be able to make with the large number of social media influencers attending these schools is an invaluable opportunity that will take you far in whichever career path you choose and provide you with true friendships!


In sum, it is important to consider all six of these factors before hitting send on your commitment to a college. Remember, the rest of your life, future successes and happiness depends on these six factors, so choose wisely applicants. Good luck with college decision season, seniors!