Cupid’s unfiltered methods of love confession

Isabella Wagner

As the day of love approaches, people are starting to worry about the daunting task of securing a significant other to spend Valentine’s Day with. Lucky for you, I have created this detailed list of ways to confess your love and make whomever you may be pursuing fall flat on their face for you. No one wants to be alone on the day of love, so don’t hesitate to go above and beyond. 

The Confrontational Method: 

Illustration by Calla McBride

This bold approach is a perfect way to make your crush fall instantly in love with you, but does require practice and precise execution. In order to be successful, pick a time and place that you can catch your crush off guard so you can have dominance in the situation. Meeting your crush after their therapy session, rainy soccer game or a job interview are all ideal times. Then wait for the right moment to kneel down on one knee and begin your profession. When you speak, scream as loud as you can, and if they complain about your voice being too loud, raise it even more, as this will show that nothing can stop you from confessing your love. It will make them feel so overwhelmed … with appreciation. During your speech, straight up saying “I’m obsessed with you” is highly suggested in order to get your point across! After this, if your crush looks at you speechless, it simply means they are too stunned by your glorious presence to even form words. This may lead to a bit of awkwardness, so if your crush starts running away, don’t be alarmed, and no matter what, make sure to chase after them: it makes them feel comforted knowing that someone is always there.

The Celebrity Method: 

This scheme is incredibly genius and very effective in winning the heart of your beloved. First, start simple: venture to (insert crush’s code name here i.e. Sweet Cheeks, McDreamy, Boo Thang)’s Instagram and like all of their posts. Be especially sure to “heart” the ones from many years ago, as it is crucial to demonstrate your interest. Second, make your way to their tagged photos and like all of those as well; don’t forget to also follow their friends and family! Then make sure to repost ALL of their posts. If for some reason after that, you can’t access their account, it means it’s time for some variety; transition to Snapchat and swipe up on ALL their stories, screenshot ALL of their messages and even dedicate a private story to them. And finally, if you are feeling extra, post a TikTok thirst trap to your crush’s favorite song—it’ll show that you care about their interests. With all of these steps, you are guaranteed to be crowned “rizzler”. 

Secret Admirer Method: 

This approach may seem easy, but it is not for slackers. With consecutive hints at love, you will confess your feelings through romantic acts of affection. The key is to start small and gradually progress. Ideas can include: filling your crush’s mailbox with love letters or sending anonymous candy baskets. Attempting this might require some research on Zillow to find their precise address, but it will eventually help you in the future when you want to stalk, ahem, I mean follow them around. After those simple acts, you may find that your crush moves houses, so you will need to ramp things up in order for them to really notice your dedication. One way to  do this is by hiring a commercial airplane to fly a banner across the sky. This astounding sight may blow your crush away, so if they start hyperventilating, don’t hesitate to drive them to the closest emergency room. It would be the perfect opportunity to show the lengths you are willing to go to for them. A final idea is to consider sitting their family members down and asking for their approval. By being upfront like this, you will surely win them over. When one of them kicks you out the front door or starts calling 911, pat yourself on the back, you are officially being initiated into their family!

Now, with this set of schemes, you won’t need to rely on Cupid to help you find love this year. I wish everyone the best of luck, and I fully expect there to be no complaining on Feb. 14 with access to these extraordinary, intelligent methods.

Infographic by Andie Johnston