Have you ever genuinely connected with someone, talking every day, going out, getting to know one another, yet you’re “not dating”? Back when my parents were teenagers, this type of situation marked the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Today, it’s the “talking stage,” a drawn-out limbo that can last months and mimic all the emotional intensity of dating just without the label.
In today’s hookup-oriented culture, the idea of “talking” being less serious than dating is a convenient myth — one that allows people to avoid vulnerability and commitment while engaging in relationships that are just as emotionally intense as labeled ones.
Part of the reason this stage exists is that everyone seems to be too “busy” for a relationship but doesn’t want to be alone. Psychology Today describes it as “an intentional non-label for the relationships, which in its own way, still serves as a label. They’re not dating, but they’re not really single either; there’s no explicit pressure, yet there’s still a slight expectation.” This somehow feels stress-free to many people and makes them feel like they can balance a busy schedule while dating someone by not calling it dating.
Another reason “talking” is so common is that committing, even to a label, is taking a risk. No one wants to make the first vulnerable move of asking for exclusivity because that may lead to rejection. Many people would rather stay unofficial than confront that fear. In fact, according to Enotalone.com, “Commitment can stir anxiety about losing freedom or repeating past heartbreak.” Additionally, in situationships, another word for an avoidant relationship, you can walk away without the social or personal turmoil a breakup might bring. Especially with social media creating forced commitments, such as the pressure to post a soft or hard launch of a relationship, staying “casual” is a safety cushion from that.
That brings me to the idea of being nonchalant in relationships. I walk around school and it is nothing like what I thought high school would be like. There are no public asks of school dancing, no one kissing in the quad, no power couples walking down the hall. There are people I know who have been in a relationship for years and I don’t even see them interact at school. People are so scared to be outward about their romantic feelings toward another person and I don’t understand it. Maybe if the whole idea of public display of affection (PDA) wasn’t so shunned on then I would understand the appeal of being in a situationship: you don’t have to be public about your relationship. But, in Marin especially, I can’t even tell the difference between people who are just “talking” and people who are officially dating. This nonchalant form of dating is ruining the whole experience of having a significant other and is dimming the beauty of falling in love. Why wouldn’t you want everyone to know you care about someone? I bet it doesn’t feel good knowing your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t even want their friends to see you guys hug hello.
The numbers also reflect this avoidant behavior. A survey by Deseret News found that “50 percent of men and 44 percent of women in the young adult cohort said they lack confidence in starting romantic relationships; around one-third said they were actively afraid to start one.” Additionally, Business Insider, citing Hinge data reports that “56 percent of Gen Z users say fear of rejection holds them back from pursuing a relationship.” There is a huge issue with the reality of these stats: when fear drives decisions, clarity in a relationship becomes rare.
People seem to believe that talking stages aren’t harmless, but that’s an optimistic myth. Enotalone.com states that situationships “can become emotionally draining and psychologically confusing. It can trigger or worsen existing mental health issues like anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem, especially if one partner desires more than the other.” This resulting stress can affect sleep, appetite and most importantly, a person’s ability to form a strong, committed relationship. When taking stages become the norm, people lose confidence in commitment and start to expect a half assed connection.
It’s true that some argue situationships aren’t that serious because attention is divided among multiple priorities: other potential partners, work, sports, etc. Some may also claim that situationships aren’t as emotionally intense due to this partial attention. But is that really true? You are talking with someone every day, unpacking personal information and feelings, creating a bond that is equal to one made in a relationship. The only difference is that there is a small part of both partners that refuses to fully commit by adding a label.
A November 2025 Bark survey found that 69 percent of Redwood students have been in a talking stage. That number alone shows how normalized this form of avoidance has become. The other day, I saw a TikTok that said you are either one of two people in a talking stage: the person with no self worth, or the person with commitment issues. And to be honest, that seems right to me.
The point is, if you like someone, fear shouldn’t be what keeps you in a drawn-out relationship. The label of boyfriend or girlfriend shouldn’t be this scary and isn’t actually changing the emotional reality or the time commitment.
