I do not celebrate Christmas. I’m rather practiced at dreidel, and I prefer Adam Sandler’s “Hanukkah Song,” if you catch my drift. For further clarification, look at my last name on the byline. Thus, I feel like I can objectively evaluate Christmas music, free of any nostalgia or warm associations.
All I Want for Christmas Is You: Mariah Carey
This song sports outstanding vocals, and the bells in the background are a pleasant touch. It’s a nice romantic song and checks a lot of the boxes for holiday music! Santa reference? Check. Reindeers? Check. Mistletoe? Check. It’s got it all. However, the references to the myth of Santa make it less appealing to me. A grown woman singing about asking Santa for a (at least I’d hope) grown man feels odd. Come on? Just me?
Santa Tell Me: Ariana Grande
It’s nice enough; it’s fine. It’s not offensive by any means. The lyrics are just a tad repetitive, it’s the same line over and over. Over and over. Over and over. Over and over. Musically, it’s okay, enjoyable even, as background music perhaps.
Jingle Bell Rock: Bobby Helms
I really like this one and the opening riff is nothing short of iconic. Am I biased by its association with “Mean Girls?” Perhaps. It simply makes me jolly, what can I say? It is just so catchy. It makes me want to clap!
It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas: Michael Bublé
God, it’s like Bublé just gets me. I might not celebrate Christmas, but who doesn’t like the lights wrapped around trees on every street? Or candy canes? Or wreaths? It’s that slight nip in the air, the time of year everyone starts to wear pants, even the “shorts-only” boys. It really is a magical season. Bublé captures that perfectly in this song, a kind of secular music that almost anyone can enjoy!
Drummer Boy: Justin Bieber
Nails on a chalkboard. The lyrics are crimes against Christianity. “Yeah I’m on the beat ‘cause the beat goes dumb.” Come on. Justin might be “surprised you didn’t hear this in the Bible,” but I am certainly not. Yes, that’s a real line. No, you should not listen to it just for chuckles.
Silent Night: Bing Crosby
Listening to Bing Crosby croon is like an auditory version of watching old Disney movies by a crackling fire. It’s comforting, soothing and oddly lullaby-like. It’s angelic, really. They really don’t make music like this anymore. What a shame.
All in all, there is plenty of good Christmas music to listen to, but also some Justin Bieber-sized musical landmines. Avoid them at all costs, or else your eardrums will rupture. If you ask me, an objective source, I’d advise everyone to stick to the classics. The Christmas season doesn’t just have to appeal to those who celebrate the holiday, so don’t turn yourself off to songs with a touch of Christian rhetoric or else you’ll be missing out on some pure gems. Whether you like Christmas trees, menorahs or neither, enjoy some solid music this season.
