Satire: A guide to handle college admission decisions


Garrett Cook

Over the past few months, high school seniors across America have sold their souls to college application websites like the Common Application, University of CaliforniaApplication and Coalition Application. After writing essay after essay, entering in grades and uncomfortably asking their parents for financial information, students who applied early action or early decision are about to find out if they got into the school of their dreams. If early decision applicants get in, they are legally binded to go while early action applicants aren’t. The absolute best way to reveal your acceptance and display your reaction to the world would be by posting an over-the-top video to YouTube to make others feel bad about themselves for not getting in. Here is a step-by-step guide on how to do just that.

First, there is preparation to be done. A college admission decision is flatout the most important moment of a person’s life. This should mean that the steps one takes leading up to finding out must be enormously grand. You need to set up an industry-standard video recording site in your home. This requires you to purchase lights, microphones, stands, cameras, tripods and a full makeup crew to make sure you look good enough for the spotlight. All this is for the video you will ultimately upload to YouTube featuring either your ecstatic reaction or pure sadness, potentially saying “if it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be,” and sadly turning off the camera. Either way, an industry-standard video recording site is a MUST.

Next, you need to make sure that everyone you have ever spoken to is present when you film your reaction. Simply put, this means most of your grade, your family, extended family, extended-extended family and any fast food restaurant employees that have taken your order. This is to ensure that if you get accepted, they join you in screaming as loud as humanly possible and hug you individually while you weep tears of joy. Adding all these people will only amplify your reaction, equating to more views on YouTube and will make your video the highest quality it can be. 

Now, for the reaction itself. This needs to be perfectly executed on all levels (hiring an acting coach is highly recommended). If you get accepted to the schools you wanted to on camera, your reaction must be the most overtop and explosive celebration that YouTube has ever seen. This includes mass amounts of screaming, elaborate dance moves and sprinting in circles. Adding a dog into the mix could also boost your views. Oh, and don’t forget to continuously repeat, “I got innnnnnn, I got innnnn!!!” while horribly out of breath from screaming for so long. If, for some reason, this is not the case for you, such a horrible tragedy cannot continue to play out on video for all to see. Turn off the camera and fly to the respective college admissions office and immediately demand for their reconsideration.

I truly hope that this guide suits your needs well. If followed exactly, this guide can be the perfect way to announce to the world your college news. Good luck with YouTube’s compression tactics (sometimes they make your face look blurry).