Satire: Why my kids won’t be vaccinated

Jack Parsons

Imagine a world without vaccinations. Millions of adults and children would be infected with diseases like measles and mumps. Instead of walking around complacently and assured that they would not be infected with a potentially deadly disease, children would get to live in fear of fighting one of those character-building illnesses. Imagine that, a world where kids could have a purpose in life. Not to mention that vaccinations are a leading cause of developmental disorders like Autism, according to one smart British guy with “suuuuper” reliable study findings.

The most logical argument is that 100 percent of vaccinations cause Autism. In 1997, a British surgeon published a study that linked vaccinations to the entrance of proteins to the brain that would consequently cause the patient who was vaccinated to develop Autism. This groundbreaking study was published in a shiny magazine—which means it is obviously true. Moreover, it’s common knowledge that the way science works is that if one study can draw some tentative and irrelevant correlation between two variables, then it must be true for all cases, right?

The opposition may bring up that the doctor’s medical license has since been revoked, but we all know this happened because the medical community was too scared of the truth, and not because his claim was completely ignorant. I can safely say that after reading the findings of some intelligent English guy’s study, I am totally sold on the fact that vaccines cause Autism. You won’t catch my kid with that measles vaccine (but you might catch them with measles).

Beyond the well-backed connection between vaccines and Autism, another reason why my children will not get vaccines is because vaccinations are too expensive and skewed for the sake of producer profits. These greedy companies that are saving millions of lives should make no profits. It’s not like they’re doing public health a favor at all. I would much rather pay $10,000 out of pocket for full treatment of a severe case of measles than bust out a quick $100 to pay for three doses of that measles vaccination that will prevent my child from catching measles. To anyone, that should make perfect economic sense. It’s much cheaper to let our own bodies immunize themselves and let those $40 vitamins from Whole Foods do their job.

The ignorant and somehow majority group of pro-vaxxers often back up their argument with the success stories of vaccinations. They will talk of things like the $69 billion that vaccinations have saved healthcare companies in the US alone and the fact that vaccinations have reduced diseases by 90 percent or even completely eliminated them, according to the U.S. National Library of Medicine. This is not enough for me and my fellow Anti-vaxxers. Who cares that these disease blocking agents save lives when your child will get a free lollipop and continue down a road of unhealthy eating? Who cares that these vaccinations are reducing diseases by nearly 100 percent when we are inconvenienced to drive to the doctors office to get these vaccines? Who cares that people are getting typhoid? Not being sick turns us into lazy, do-nothing degenerates.

If you are considering becoming an Anti-vaxxer as a parent, hear me out. If you feel bullied into following the suggestions of physicians backed by decades of credible research to vaccinate your children, you are not alone. It’s time that we make a change. Let’s have our children at risk of suffering from deadly diseases so they don’t become lazy and live a purposeless life. Although the connection between vaccines and Autism has been refuted by countless reputable scientists, we should still give one scientist the benefit of the doubt, mostly because British people sound smart when they talk.

In the end, iIt’s quite simple; those with logic will continue to say no to the syringe, and those without will continue to inject their kids with a profitable poison. Let them have mumps!