Satire: Sorry I couldn’t hear you, my Airpods were in


Illustration by Audrey Hettleman.

Sarah Young

During the holidays, I had a clear idea of what I wanted for Christmas. Walking through the halls of Redwood, I would stare at other people, jealous of the shape and curve of the tiny buds. I kept seeing the gleaming, white Airpods everywhere I went. They are easy to spot and even easier to stare at, as students tend to walk more aggressively down the halls when wearing pods. I imagined walking through the halls after break, flipping my hair back so everyone could see that I too, was a member of AirPod Nation. On Christmas morning, my dream came true. Bundled up in the smooth, white box, the Apple Airpods were a perfect gift. A new mother couldn’t even comprehend my joy at this moment. The tiny buds were a perfect fit from the first time I used them, and no, they don’t fall out!

The best part of being a proud AirPod owner is the newly elevated social status that comes with them. Being able to say “I can’t hear broke,” and “It smells like broke in here,” are perks of owning the legendary pods. However, I’ve found that, especially at Redwood, as soon as people bring AirPods to school, they can be a target of jealousy from those who don’t own AirPods. Junior Rich Mann has felt others’ resentment firsthand, and he agrees that it’s hard to be the target of hate, especially in the classroom.

“Sometimes people push me down the stairs when I have my pods in. The sound quality is so good I can’t hear them sneaking up behind me, not that I care,” Mann said. “Those losers don’t even have a parking spot at school.”

The best way to avoid these types of microaggressions is to band together with other AirPod owners in a cult-like fashion. The tiny pods can lead to huge friendships, and hanging out with other students who are Airpod owners as well could land you lifelong connections.

The Airpod strap, which connects to both the pods and your phone, is an amazing accessory. This original device allows you to keep track of your pods, giving the whole ordeal a whole other level of bougie-ness. Multiple colors are available, ranging from classic white and black, to more colorful blues, reds and yellows, turning your pods into a new fashion statement. Another perk is that the bright colors could also ward off Pod-Haters, just as wild animals do to scare away their predators. One last accessory is a shell for your charging case. Widely available on Amazon, Airpod shells normally come with a clip for easy attachment to bags and traditional Redwood lanyards. It is also rumored that Apple could be releasing a charging case for the charger, much like the iPhone battery case. This would allow even more listening than the current 24 hour battery, letting you take your normal summer vacation to European without charging your pods between flights.

Senior Mo Cash has been an AirPod owner for three months now, and is obsessed with showing off his case.

“My favorite part of my AirPods is attaching them to my jeans with the clip on my case, and flipping them open whenever an underclassmen comes near me to intimidate them,” Cash said, “It works better than pepper spray!”

The only drawback to AirPods is the price. At $160 for two pods and the charging case, they are pretty expensive for wireless earbuds. But, the brand name and quality that comes with them have shown that they are worth it. And, $160 isn’t even that much— I’m sure even Tam kids could come up with that if they really tried!

AirPods have changed my life, and they could change yours as well. With the ability to walk into a room confidently with the tiny buds in my ears, I now have an advantage over my peers. I can exude my wealth in public, and with accessories to help me keep my AirPods in my ears and extend my battery life, they are the perfect headphones to earn a superior status at Redwood.