Now that it’s finally spring, it’s time to address the elephant — or groundhog — in the room. For those who need a recap on the ridiculous holiday known as Groundhog Day, here it is: if the groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, does not see his shadow, spring comes early; if Phil sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of winter. The whole concept of Groundhog Day is ridiculous and it’s time we strip Phil of his tyrannical power over our weather forecast.
Sleepy Phil was again woken up this year and expected to predict our weather. Apparently, he saw his shadow. First of all, making a sleepy groundhog predict our weather without an espresso is ridiculous. How should we humans expect a groundhog to decide our weather without some coffee when the majority of us can barely function without caffeine? At the very least, he should be given extra time to snooze in preparation for him declaring when my spring can start.
Groundhogs also sleep for most of the winter, so they’ve been deprived of sun for a while. Imagine sleeping for a whole month, waking up and opening your eyes, only to have sunlight blast you in the face. Of course, Phil saw his shadow!
If the sun was blinding him, he would turn away and see his shadow. There are too many external factors in his weather decision dilemma. The brightness should have made it obvious that he should wear sunglasses to his work shift this year. Phil doesn’t even have good enough judgment to decide when he needs to put on sunglasses. Therefore, we should dethrone him and put someone with better judgment — preferably someone who can read data and weather charts — in charge of Groundhog Day predictions.
As Americans, democracy is something we pride ourselves on, but every year when Groundhog Day arrives, we congregate to worship Phil and listen to his opinions about our weather with no objections. Phil is corrupting American democracy and it’s been going on for far too long.
Additionally, according to groundhogfunfacts.com, a groundhog can live up to 14 years in captivity. Bill Murray’s “Groundhog’s Day” was released in 1993. So, this means we’ve had Groundhog’s Day since at least 1993. If my calculations are correct, Phil is at least 31 years old, which leads me to conclude that he has been replaced at least three times! Maybe, back when Groundhog Day was created, the original Phil had magical weather-telling powers, but the Phil we worship today is a fraud.
Every year, there is one day nobody tunes in to hear the weatherman: that day is Groundhog Day. Phil is taking the attention away from our trusty Redwood TV weatherman, who opted for an anonymous interview.
“I don’t appreciate Punxsutawney Phil taking my business,” said Timothy Finklestein. “What makes him qualified to decide the weather?”
This is not okay. As active enjoyers of Redwood TV, we need to stop taking business away from our trusty news company. Down with the groundhog!
