My whole life I have been overly apologetic. The words “I’m sorry” have become human nature to me—an unconscious habit I’ve never thought to break. Most of the time, my apologies are unnecessary. Saying sorry has become my way of thanking others, excusing myself, clarifying my misheard words, and introducing myself—rarely used to express genuine remorse or evade conflict. I’ve noticed this kind of behavior not only in myself but in my peers as well. It feels like we young people, especially young women, are always apologizing. Still, the problem is that over-apologizing to the extent that it becomes habitual, doesn’t make you a better person but hurts your self-esteem and credibility with others.
Human beings apologize for a multitude of reasons. We are social creatures who feel a need to be liked and instinctively apologize to appear more likable. We also might apologize because we have a false sense of guilt or when we want to express empathy for others. But apologizing unconsciously over circumstances we can’t control can damage both our self-perception and the way others perceive us.
For one thing, over-apologizing can significantly lower your self-esteem. By assuming the problems of others are the fault of your own, it is easy to feel guilty for merely taking up space. On the contrary, choosing not to apologize for unnecessary reasons can actually improve your self-esteem. According to a study published in the European Journal of Social Psychology, participants who stopped over-apologizing showed signs of, “greater self-esteem, increased feelings of power (or control) and integrity.” From this perspective, reducing the amount of apologies we make can lift a massive emotional weight off of our shoulders.
Not only does unnecessary apologizing impact the way we perceive ourselves, but it can seriously weaken the way others perceive us as well. This could strip a person of their power in personal and professional relationships. According to Tara Swart, a neuroscientist and Forbes contributor, “Apologizing when we have done something wrong is a real strength, but compulsive apologizing presents as a weakness at work and in personal relationships.” When a person over-apologizes it can come off as less confident, undermining the strength of more meaningful apologies.
Unfortunately, the act of excessive apologizing doesn’t impact every person equally. Much research has concluded that women apologize much more than their male counterparts. A study at the University of Waterloo, Canada found that women tend to apologize more often than men because men have, “a higher threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior.” This is because much of our over-apologizing as women is societally conditioned. According to Brenda Reiss, a forgiveness coach and author, “For generations, women have been conditioned to be agreeable and accommodating, and I will say it: passive…Frequent use of ‘I’m sorry’ in unnecessary situations is more than a habit; it manifests a long history of societal expectations.” Since the Victorian Era, women have been socially accepted as less competent or authoritative than men. Excessive apologizing mirrors this idea, sending the message that our presence is a nuisance or intrusion when in reality women provide valuable contributions. Apologizing less can be an incredibly effective way to reverse these expectations and encourage female empowerment.
This is not to say that apologizing cannot be beneficial in our social interactions with others. In fact, research conducted by the Harvard Business School has found that apologies actually increase our likeability. But, the problem arises when our need to be liked by others controls our actions and behaviors. Apologizing less doesn’t have to mean choosing to be impolite. There are many alternatives to “I’m sorry” that allow you to acknowledge others without demeaning yourself. Transitioning from “I’m sorry” to “Excuse me,” is one fantastic place to start. The most important step toward apologizing less is by practicing self-awareness. Take a mental note every time you apologize unnecessarily and write it down if needed. See what triggers cause you to apologize and pay attention every time they occur so that, when the time comes, you know when to change your behavior. All it takes is one small change in vocabulary to instigate a complete shift in confidence.
