The holiday season can be a joyful time of year, filled with smiles and celebrations, but for teenagers with divorced parents, the holiday season can bring not only excitement but also stress, guilt and confusion. Managing time between two homes can be emotionally exhausting, especially when faced with conflicting pressures and different events and traditions. Negative feelings can often arise during this time as teens with divorced parents try to meet everyone’s needs and expectations while also attempting to find time for their mental health.
The emotional strain of the holidays is often heightened by the season’s nostalgia, highlighting the absence of the family they once knew and deepening their sense of loss. The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of unity and joy but can instead sometimes amplify feelings of instability. As traditions change or vanish, teens may struggle to find a sense of belonging, leaving them emotionally vulnerable during what should be a festive time. This is especially true when today’s society strongly focuses on the idea of having a “perfect” family. According to a new study by the Walter Family Foundation and Gallup, 35 percent of teenagers ages 16 to 18 feel the need to be “perfect” due to current societal norms and standards. For teenagers already dealing with the emotional strain of their parent’s divorce, the holidays can exacerbate the situation since some are unable to celebrate in the way they may have envisioned.
To understand the broader impact of this emotional strain, it’s important to understand how common these experiences are in teens today. According to a December Bark survey, 30 percent of students reported that they have divorced parents and celebrate the holidays apart from one another.
Junior Eily Diener has been a child of divorced parents since the age of 12. In Diener’s family, she and her siblings celebrate the holidays based on which parent has custody that week. Diener spoke about how this arrangement makes her feel.
“I wouldn’t change how we spend our holidays. [My siblings and I] have our schedule figured out, and we’ve done a good job managing and navigating [our] difficult feelings,” Diener said.
Sophomore Charlotte Gardner celebrates the holidays by splitting Christmas Day in half to celebrate with both parents. However, she has had a less positive experience than Diener.
“I always feel like I’m on my toes [when splitting time]; needing to move [to a different house] or go somewhere, constantly communicating [with my parents and siblings] or [my] parents fighting over a certain time and location to pick me up,” Gardner said.
Many believe that stress around the holidays for children of divorced parents spurs from the constant back and forth, yet one’s personal guilt often creates stress. Teens strive to eliminate the guilt that they feel but find it hard to imagine what life used to be like before the divorce.
“In a dream world, [I would spend time with my parents] together so that I can give them equal time and not carry guilt for not spending time with [both of them]. I also sacrifice my time with my friends to prevent the feeling of loneliness for a parent,” Gardner said.
Dr. Michelle Purvey, a pediatric psychologist, stresses the importance of parents’ maturity during the holidays to help reduce their children’s guilt and stress.
“I always advise that the parents’ behavior should be polite and cordial. If the parents can do that, then everybody else’s anxiety will come down. It all depends on the parents. They have to make the [effort to manage their behavior for their child’s wellbeing],” Purvey said.
Many people who do not experience divorce are unaware of the true challenges that accompany it, resulting in some common misconceptions when it comes to being a child with divorced parents. Children with divorced parents often carry emotional burdens that are primarily looked past because of common stereotypes and misconceptions. Some teens with married parents underestimate the quality time they spend with their families and the emotional importance of doing so.
“[Children with married parents] should just feel lucky that they get to spend time with both their parents together and stay in one secure place instead of constantly moving around,” Gardner said.
Parents are a significant factor in creating negative feelings in their teenagers during the holiday season. How parents interact with or talk about each other can completely change the environment and experience they create for their teenagers. There is a right way and a wrong way for divorced parents to interact during the holidays, which can either make their child more stressed or more comfortable.
“It starts with the parents. They have to have the intention of creating a positive holiday experience. If the parents are unable to do this, they should not have holiday interaction. If they cannot 100 percent believe they can be polite and cordial, they should not be in the same environment,” Purvey said. “They need to keep their emotions out of it. Think about how your teen feels and what they may be going through because what they’re going through is what’s most important, not what the parents are going through.”
Although the holiday season can be filled with stress, guilt and other challenging feelings for children of divorce, it’s always important to remember what the holidays are all about: festivities, joy and celebration, as Diener explained.
“Don’t forget that the holidays are meant to be a happy time, not stressful. Take the time to protect your peace and mental health,” Diener said.
