The Mayans were right!
Sure, when I woke up on Dec. 22 my home was not leveled by an earthquake. There were no locusts swarming in the sky, and the Bay had not been turned to a pool of blood. But make no mistake, the 2012 prediction is in fact a reality.
Our apocalypse has arrived, and it’s hitting where it hurts the most — in the world of sports.
Everything that I love about sports — err, everything I loved about sports — has ceased to exist. Across and beyond all the major leagues, the sports world is being screwed with more might than a super volcano could ever muster up. “2012,” thou art upon us at last, though admittedly a few weeks late.
Let’s think back on the last few months: The NHL locked out and canceled half a season, pro lacrosse dealt with an epidemic of fights, pro baseball failed to induct a single hall of famer, and the NFL lost its referees!
Bureaucracy and red tape so thick that even the refs won’t play fair? That’s the kind of dystopian nightmare that makes me want to invest in soup cans and build a bunker.
But at the end of the day, I can deal with the fact that the leagues are failing to hold their lives together. People at desks have, since the beginning of time, misunderstood and complicated everything for the men and women on the field. At least the athletes themselves are keeping things sane. Right?
Wrong! Nearly every inspirational story that has ever made a sports fan tear up while watching Sports Center was recently erased from existence, just as the Mayans told us!
Lance Armstrong’s heroic victory over cancer followed by seven Tour de France wins? A Tour de Cheat and whirlwind of syringes where the sun don’t shine.
Manti Te’o’s record setting Heisman quest through an undefeated season while listening to the final breaths of his dying girlfriend? An elaborate prank by a fake “cyber-woman” followed by lackluster performance in a steamroller of a bowl game.
Brian Wilson helps win SF its first World Series through sheer beard power? The latest chapter of that book includes a debilitating injury and free agency talks with just about anyone who doesn’t play in orange and black.
Hope seems to be lost, and perhaps it is time to throw in the towel and get ready for the end. When the NBA standings goes Clippers, Warriors, then Lakers, there is no use in telling ourselves that we can persevere.
The world of sports has been through its fair share of dark days and hard times. As all of this ridiculousness is going on simultaneously, however, it cannot be written off as coincidence.
A modern world means modern problems. Past generations didn’t deal with the fallout of a steroid era. The games were once more important than the money which now fuel them. Just a couple of years ago, Twitter feeds couldn’t have sparked national controversy.
Many will say that sports are doing fine. That the Bay Area took home a World Series and a NFC championship back-to-back, and we have nothing to complain about. But beware, those are the oblivious people who will be hit the hardest when the next apocalypse hits.
The end has arrived, and the human race is better off accepting it than trying to make sense of the world of sports as we now know it. Turn in your helmets and bats for some zombie shields and wilderness survival kits. The Mayans were right, they just forgot to mention that our fields, courts, and rinks would be ground zero.
