Satire: Letter of Opposition

Jackson Epps

To whomever it may concern,


I take great pleasure in not recommending Jane Doe for admission to your school. 

Academically, Doe struggles. This is more than your average struggle; with a GPA less than the passing 2.0., Doe has not received a passing grade yet, and I have had the unique displeasure of teaching them for two years. This is a rare time when I will say that I wish a student was absent more, as that might explain the failing marks. I wish I could say family struggles were the reason Doe isn’t performing at their full potential. Unfortunately, this is not the case: Doe did not miss a single class period. Now, this might show dedication, and if you’re looking for a student who consistently underperforms and fails tests, even Kahoots, Doe is your student.

English is a class they do not, under any circumstances, excel in. After the first essay, I knew I was in for a rough year. Doe lacked a basic understanding of the different parts of speech. “Adjectives, nouns, and herbs” was an actual sentence written by them this year. The fact that the first two were syntactical parts of the English language and the other was seasoning did not seem to concern them. 

Outside of the classroom, Doe does nothing. Not one single extracurricular activity. No sports. No clubs. No volunteering. No friends. I can’t, in good conscience, say that Doe will be a productive member of your community because, based on their high school experience, I would go so far as to say I doubt they even know what a community is. I know for certain that they will be an unbridled nuisance. From streaking in broad daylight to owning a (loud) pet parrot that will most certainly disrupt both classes and dorms, Doe’s  prior activities are disturbing. On top of it all, they are on record saying they’ll do them again—trust me, deny them admission. 

I cannot stress this enough: Doe is not right for your institution, or any for that matter. The only useful thing I picture Doe doing is donating their organs. 

Unfortunately, Doe believes we had a great relationship, hence them asking me to write their letter of recommendation to your prestigious university. I ask now that you keep the content of this letter away from Doe’s eyes and offer no indication that it in any way detracted from their possible acceptance. Again, for the rest of your student body’s sake, do NOT accept Jane Doe into your university. 


Best Regards, 

Jackson Epps