We started our journey at twilight.
We pulled into the movie theater parking lot at 10:30 p.m. We were shaking, both from cold and fear – the fear of finding ourselves at the end of the huge line of Twihards. But this fear was soon replaced with sheer terror, as we discovered the parking lot to be completely deserted. Were we at the wrong theater? Was it the wrong day?
We were confused. Was this not the most important day of the year? Did the premiere of the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 not warrant the utmost attention of every teenage girl in the world, whether or not her passion could hold a candle to ours?
To be honest, this should not have come as much of a shock. Due to the lack of hype in the weeks leading up to it, we had almost forgotten to purchase our tickets for the midnight premiere. We had breathed a sigh of relief as we frantically clicked “purchase tix” the week before, thankful that it hadn’t sold out…yet…or not.
But there we were. Aching with hunger (for snacks), thirst (for blood), and anticipation (for the movie we had been waiting for since 2 a.m. 363 days ago, after the premiere of Part 1). The theater was empty, save for a gaggle of eighth grade girls, an odd pair of teenage boys lurking in a corner, and a handful of middle-aged women with only their bulky purses to keep them company.
The Summit Entertainment logo flashed on screen, and our pulses began to quicken. This was it – the moment we had been waiting for.
Wrong again. The opening credits lasted a solid 10 minutes and consisted of upwards of 1,000 names, all of actors we had forgotten about or never heard of in the first place. (Shout out to you, Booboo Stewart!).
And when the movie finally did start, it didn’t even pick up where the last one left off. In an example of the film’s inconsistent pacing, the first 20 minutes (not including the 15 -minute segment of opening credits) fly by at an uncomfortable speed. The herky-jerky pace of the movie could be a metaphor for Bella (Kristen Stewart) learning to become a vampire, but it is more likely due to poor directing.
The film continues with breathtaking effects, but that’s mostly due to the fact that we were laughing too hard to breathe. As Bella harnesses her vampiric powers, which include the ability to run through forests without hitting trees, leap across rivers at geometrically impossibly angles, and feed on the blood of woodland dwellers, even die-hard fans such as ourselves find it difficult to take her seriously. As Bella, that immortal huntress, stalks her prey, she peers menacingly out from behind trees, scales cliffs in the manner of a practiced mountaineer, and looks ridiculous the whole time.
Bella isn’t the only character who inspires laughs instead of “ooh”s and “ahh”s of approval. When Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) first enters, there is a noticeable pause in the scene, presumably to allow for girlish hoots and hollers, yet even in our “packed” theater, there was nothing. (Granted, the row of giggling girls behind us were all hard core Edward fans.) Later on, Jacob takes his token shirt removal to the next level. As he takes off his jacket, and then his shirt, and then his shoes, and then his pants, even a dedicated Edward fan can’t help but lean forward in anticipation for the explicit shot that will never come.
Overall, the acting was mediocre at best. The cast was clearly chosen for their looks, which didn’t hold up to the test of time. Even those who should have been attractive were butchered by the use of unrealistic red and gold contact lenses, which made them look more like drug addicts than blood addicts. However, one standout actor was Wendell Pierce in the role of J. Jenks, whose three-minute performance redefined the relationship between passport forger and passport forgee.
Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson’s chemistry as Bella and Edward might have been tolerable, but it was tainted by Stewart’s recent cheating scandal. As loyal fans who stay well-informed about such matters, we couldn’t help but question every look, every glance, every uncomfortable/erotic moan.
The middle half of the movie paradoxically flies by in a glacially slow blur, as nothing really happens. But somehow, the lack of action builds and crescendos in the climax: the fight – a battle between good and evil, white and whiter, progressive thought and Volturi dogma. The action sequences are awkward and surprisingly graphic, but in a tame sort of way. But don’t write it off just yet – there’s a twist, one that left many audience members in our theater gasping aloud. “I knew it!” “No way!”
The ending is disappointing as little, if anything, is actually resolved. To add insult to injury, the closing credits are even longer than the 27-minute opening credits. The directors dedicate a solid three seconds to a clip of each character’s face and name. And we mean every character, every single one ever featured in any of the five Twilight movies.
It is as if the entire saga has been leading up to those closing credits. But as “The Twilight Saga” flashed across the screen for the final time, we could not help but breathe a sigh of relief. What could have been an epic ending to what had no chance of being an epic saga (what is a “saga” anyways?) fell flat. Even for us, whose love for Twilight is second only to Edward and Bella’s love for each other, it was time for the end.
The movie concluded at 2:01 a.m., but we spent so long in the deserted parking lot writing this review that by the time we finally drove away, it was breaking dawn.
