The current situation with the vending machines is unacceptable. The new “smart” vending machines (I’m putting “smart” in quotations because every time I see that error message, I lose brain cells) were introduced in 2023 after a great snack drought. However, these new machines have a far more sinister plan compared to their predecessors. Vending machines are no longer just attacking your health, but now they’re attacking your wallet and time, all while sucking the life out of your body.
Allow me to paint you a picture: you’re walking through the halls, passing classroom after classroom, mindlessly making eye contact with kids who aren’t skipping class, when all of a sudden you hear a growl come from your stomach. Your eyes pan over to the lone vending machine, like an oasis in a vast desert. Anticipation swells as you approach, only to see an “under maintenance” sign displayed across the screen. You then starve and die.
Now, let’s rewind and say maybe the vending machine wasn’t broken, and the odds were in your favor. You selected the items you wanted, drooling at how marvelous the sound of a blackberry Izzy and a half-frozen Uncrustable sounds. Yet, something stops you dead in your tracks. Just as you take 14 minutes to get the card reader to accept your payment and another half hour for your Uncrustable to deliver, the vending machine decided it wanted to play an even more deadly version of Russian roulette. One of your items says “failed to deliver.” Just like the last time, you die of starvation and thirst, just as unlucky as before. After all these accomplishments, you end up dying of old age.[/pullquote]
Let’s go back one last time because, as the saying goes, “third time’s the charm.” You see the vending machine, as well as a long line of people. You’re so overcome with hunger, you decide to play the vending machine’s game, and so you wait. By the time you finally get to the front of the line, manage to pay and get your food, you have already read Homer’s Odyssey, the entire Twilight series, gotten a PHD and are now fluent in Sanskrit.
Vending machine deaths claim over 14,368 people each year and cause 65,349 people to file for bankruptcy each month. What was once a reliable, snack-delivering, high school staple has now become a vessel for the Antichrist. The people are crying for the removal of these abhorrent appliances immediately, before they claim more innocent lives and corrupt more innocent minds. I would hope this school takes this matter into serious consideration, but they probably won’t, knowing all the propaganda they display on the vending machine screens!
