Throughout my four years at Redwood, I have probably spent less than six months as a true bachelor. Whether it’s a Facebook-official relationship, an exclusive “thing,” or the precursor to either of the aforementioned, I seem to always find myself tied down to a woman.

Illustration by Megan Patsel

After each of my escapades with a lady-friend has ended, I always promise myself that “I’m going to be single for a while.” Needless to say, I have broken this promise an embarrassing number of times. 

So, in this piece, I have decided to try and tackle the biggest destroyer of relationships known to man—college. Whether your couple consists of a senior and a junior, seniors attending the same college, or seniors attending different colleges, when one or both of you goes off to college, you’re going to have to work some things out. This is a complex monster with many different and ugly heads, but one that need not be feared. I can’t promise this advice can get you through the college problem together, but if a break up is inevitable, this will help to ensure the cleanest cut.

Let’s start at the beginning with the cold hard truth: not every couple has the ability to make it through this challenge. It requires a level of maturity, empathy, understanding, and sacrifice that are beyond most couples, maybe even my own. If it hasn’t dawned on you that going off to college is going to test the limits of your relationship, you aren’t going to last. In other words, if you haven’t considered that failure is a possibility, you are going to fail.

The first and most important thing is to deal with the problem head on. You need to talk about the issue before it becomes an issue.

It is much easier to talk about in the beginning of your relationship when you are a little less emotionally attached and when you can think a little more rationally rather than a conversation nine months down the road filled with tears and declarations of “I’ll never leave you baby!” So, sometime early on, set up your expectations and try and make sure you are both on the same page.

And sorry guys, as delusional as you may be in hoping that this will be your one and only conversation about this topic, it is highly probable that you or your partner is going to need another one. But by having this first conversation, you set up a forum for communication that will make the issue much easier to talk about.

As the college departure date approaches, you need to start having more in-depth conversations. You need to be realistic and consider your options. Essentially, you have four choices: stay together, break up, try an “open relationship” or decide to take “a break” and then reassess after a couple months.

This decision is the make or break part of the process. You need to think over every option carefully. When you are considering these options, you need to be honest with yourself.

Ask the question, “Am I going to become uninterested in you because of all the (insert euphemism for hot girls and crazy parties)? Is my college experience going to be ruined because I am going to sit in my room pining away listening to emo music counting down the days until I see you?”

If the truthful answer to either of these questions is yes, staying together will only result in heartbreak. But this doesn’t mean one of the other options won’t work. It’s definitely possible that an open relationship and/or taking a break would be right for you. Talk it over, and see which is best for your relationship. Side note—guys, don’t bring up an open relationship unless you want to be dumped on the spot. Only girls have the privilege to bring it up without being slapped across the face.

If you do decide to break up, have an open relationship, or take a break, whatever you do, do not establish a break-up day.  This will destroy your relationship. One or both of you will start fixating on the day, and the fear for what’s coming will end your relationship before your actually break-up day. Instead, agree to make it last for as long as possible.

When the time is right, one or both of you will feel it, and more importantly, one or both of you needs to do the right but difficult thing—speak up.